I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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