obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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