When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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