Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
