Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
