seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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