help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
