I'm gonna have a badass scar
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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