Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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