I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
sex in a hospital.. check
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
