Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
