party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
