What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
