My room smells like vodka and shame
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
