genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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