After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The uberlube is also flammable
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
