'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
