Don't make out with my wife yet
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
