She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
