Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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