Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
