not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
