We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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