I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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