If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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