we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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