I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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