My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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