her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
