I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
