I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
