he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
