You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
