i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
