Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize