i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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