I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
