On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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