maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
