apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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