I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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