They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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