Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
