tell your sister to shave her snatch
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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