If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
