It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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