i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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