I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
