1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
