Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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