I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize