if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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