I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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