Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
