What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
