Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize