Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
