Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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