LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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