I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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