What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
