the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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