Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
